Hi! Did you miss me?
Sorry I kind of fell off the face of the earth for a minute. I’ve got four or five draft posts saved of me trying to explain what I’ve been up to, but the truth is that I don’t have a good excuse. I’ve just been really tired lately. I don’t like admitting that. It feels icky. Like somehow I’m failing at life because I can’t work full time and raise a two year old all by myself and run a professional looking blog on the side. Silly, I know, but it’s just beyond frustrating to have a million ideas and zero time or money to make them happen.
Honestly, in addition to being physically exhausted I’ve also been feeling disappointed and a little bit lost lately. It’s been almost exactly one year since I filed for a restraining order against my soon to be ex-husband, (side note, what the heck is taking so long, California?!) and I’ve been so busy trying to figure out how I’m going to survive here on my own that I don’t think I’ve really given all of my feelings the attention that they deserve. So, I’ve been allowing myself to feel all of the feelings so that I can release them and move on with my life, but it’s not easy. Even when I think I’m okay I’ll accidentally get a flash of a memory that will either make me really angry or just plain sad. Like on the commute home I’ll suddenly remember driving to Playhouse West every Monday and Wednesday night and how much I lived for it, and I wonder if I’ll ever get to act again, even just for fun. Or the other day when I snuck away from my desk for my 30 minute lunch break to buy a latte that I really can’t afford and I found myself walking down a street that I used to walk down in what feels like a different life with a completely different spirit and goddammit are there any streets left in this city where I can avoid being slapped in the face by the memories of my former life? This is where I start to feel angry. Angry about A LOT of stuff, but mostly just at myself for getting into this situation in the first place.
So, because it’s been such a difficult year I’ve been trying to cut myself some slack, simplify my life as much as possible, and get a little rest so as to avoid going insane – hence the two weeks where I didn’t even open my laptop. It’s also almost my blog-iversary, and since I’ve had such a difficult time keeping up with it lately I’ve been thinking long and hard about how I want to proceed with eVolstyle. Do I want to blog? Heck yes. Do I have time? Absolutely not. Could I make more time? I’d like to try.
The thing is, this started as just a fun hobby because I wanted an excuse to look at cute shoes all the time, but the more I think about it, the more important I think it is. I’ve become so disillusioned with the fashion world lately that a part of me wants to just reject it all and do something else entirely, but then there’s another part of me that sees hope for the future and is getting really excited by the people and companies out there who are changing everything. Actually, when I think about what I really want to do with my life career-wise, this is pretty much it. I want to be a part of creating demand for a new type of product and a new way of doing business. I want to have my own business someday. I want to get my MBA and figure out how to fix other people’s businesses. I think that what I have to share here is of value and that my ideas could help make the world a better place. I may be sharing all of this with a teeny tiny niche audience, but damn, at least you’re there. Thank god for you guys. I’m not alone!
So I’m writing all of this to you guys tonight to let you know that I’m going to take another little break, but I will be back, and I will be bigger and better than before. I’ve just got so many ideas that I need to stop and actually plan some things out, you know? Also I still have no idea how I’m going to find time for any of it. So far all I’ve got is to A) give myself a couple of weeks head start and to B) adopt a super low maintenance beauty routine so I can afford to stay up late and still get enough rest to keep going. I’m open to suggestions. Anyway… I’ve got to wrap this up now because it seems that Mr. Vladik has caught himself yet another cold and is waking up every 5 minutes and at this rate I’ll be finishing this post tomorrow morning, but, stay tuned for a new look and new content and more everything… coming soon!